I haven't written anything for ages. Probably in months. I consider this blog post a sort of therapy for myself.It will be unplanned and I'll probably start rambling like most of my blog posts.
For the past couple of years I guess writing was the only thing I thought I could get away with saying that I had a talent for. Whenever anybody would ask: "so what o you do in your free time?" I'd struggle, pause for a bit and when I'd gotten over how boring I really was, would come out with the same rehearsed line "Reading and writing."
For so many years, it was my passion to create, writing was an outlet for me and no doubt saved me from succumbing to my demons in all my teenage years. But now, I feel as though I have nothing to write, nothing interesting to say and most importantly nothing special enough to note down on to paper and present it as talent. As you can imagine, this has had an impact on the way I visualise myself. I ask myself "If it is true that I am talentless then what exactly is my purpose in life?"
I'm also scared that I'm no longer interested in blogging anymore. When I first started I was full of ideas, now I go months of not even looking at my blog.
I'm really trying to shake these negative feelings and since I've been away from home since September as I have now started university, I've found it an amazing opportunity to reflect on my self concept and the person that I am and want to be.
Now that I am 18, I astound myself when I look back at the person I was when I started this blog and how much stronger I am. Although I still have these moments occasionally when I doubt myself. For the first time in forever, I can well and truly say that I love myself and no longer loath my body the way that 13 year old me would have.
Before, writing was my only means of communication as I felt such fear towards the idea of talking to new people. Now I've grown to a point where I'M the one that starts a conversation. I'd like to think that some of the power I found in writing has been shifted into the power of speech. And honestly, I'm ok with that. I'm still introverted but it no longer bothers me as it used to. I still love my own company but embrace that of others. I introverted but I am confident and I love who I am. I love how this journey of uncertainty and distress has allowed me to come out as a person who is growing to become someone I am proud of.
I have visions and goals for myself and for this blog, goals I thought I would have accomplished at this stage I my life but for some reason I haven't. But there's still time. Whenever, I go for months and return to my blog and I see that some of yo still read my content and still comment on my blog it drives me to work a little harder to achieve these aspirations. And I thank you all for that.
Thanks for your ongoing support and your roles in my journey, I really do appreciate it. In future, although self doubt has tried to threaten this, I think I will continue to write and to blog. I cant wait to start interacting with you guys again.
Lots of love,