Maybe about 5 years ago, people's comments, ideas and beliefs of who I was would have entirely shaped me. Imagine this : 5 years ago , if someone told me I was 'fat' I would spend hours running to try and instantly shake of the weight some how , I would spend hours locked in rooms checking my weight on the scales to see if I had lost any of my disgusting fat. sometimes , just maybe I would loose some weight,, but guesss what? I was still fat anyway.
Now imagine this, 5 years ago I was 12 years old. If it wasn't for the fact , that people my own age thought it was ok to make unprovoked comments about someone they barely knew, maybe I wouldn't have been so aware of my body from such a young age. Maybe if it wasn't for them, I am so set on making others feel inspired and making sure everyone has a sense of self worth because back then, I really felt like I didn't. When I was 12 years old, comments like that would make me cry myself to sleep, I wanted to be someone else that was so much more beautiful than myself. Someone whos hair was long enough to hang prettily around their shoulders. Not coarse and tightly braided like mine. I remember one day when one of the guys who on more than one occasion had made it his business to comment on my appearance said to me :
" You would look so much better if you had long hair"
Somehow that made me glad. Obviously it meant , if I was to go home tonight and miraculaously grow 12 inches onto my hair, people would see the beautiful me , the one that seemed trapped behind her wall of fat and hair of straw. Wrong. My fisrt mistake was listening to him, my second was to take who he said was as a compliment.
That was just a bit of my story. I have so much more experiences of my pre teen and teen days that I haven't been able to share with anyone , until now. Back then , I felt like no one could truly understand my situation. I feel like I am finally at a stage, when I have been able to wipe away people like that in my life. I am 17 now and something I try to do often , is to look back at how far I have come.
I often ask myself, "What does it actually mean to be beautiful?" I pretty much look the same as I did when I was 12 (I looked older than I was) so from that point on , all that really happened to me , was that I got taller. So if I looked so similar to how I did then, why is it that people no longer say such hurtful things like that to me anymore? In fact, people see me as a friend, they don't laugh at "my shape, my round face, my broad shoulders , my almond shaped eyes, my large hips" But they did then. So why not now? Is it because I am more beautiful or is it because they matured? Not really because grown people, adults said the very same things as they did.
To be honest I'll never know why they did. What I think however, is that I didn't get more beautiful, but I did gain respect for myself. I did start seeing great things about myself. I am excellent creative, I am a brilliant friend, a fantastic listener and all round these are all very beautiful things to have. Maybe people began to see these things for themselves in me . But to me beautiful means so many things. Beautfiful in one way can mean having a lovely photogenic face, it can also mean having the confidence to better yourself in so many ways. Beautiful is also seeing these things in others, as I have learned to do.
So now, I'm asking you, what do you think is beautiful and where do you see it in you?
Thanks for reading
When She Writes