It was finally time. In just a few minutes , less that five minutes away, my future would be determined by a few letters on a paper. I had prayed and prayed for months, yearned for happiness in the form of neatly assembled perfect grades on a sheet of crisp white paper. I was sure, positively certain that despite fear, today I was not to be disappointed. I had worked tirelessly for months , revising for exams, worried for weeks on end for results day to finally hit and it all boiled down to this very final moment.
My legs instantly turned to jelly as I struggled to reach the main school. It seemed that the faster I walked and the harder I tried to get there, my results felt further away that ever. In front of me people leaving, some were all ready leaving , some sad clasping the sheet closed to their chest , others jumping for joy desperate to display their joy to others.
I waited patiently as the envelop was handled to me. My breathing was inconsistent. I knew, I was certain that some greater force, some powerful feeling definitely had my back. I slid the paper slowly away from the envelop surrounding it.
And there they were.
According to my school, I wasn't a failure. I had passed all my subjects. But by my standards, my hard working standards, I had failed and miserably too. For months I had thrown myself into education but there was nothing to show for it. I had centred my whole world around one standard: "Being smart" . Now that I didn't have that. I didn't have anything.
"I THOUGHT YOU HAD MY BACK."- I screamed this from within. I had put so much faith and trust in my ability to succeed, that now I was unable to see anyway around this. I felt anger disappointment , uselessness. Most importantly I lost faith. Religious or not religious, faith is a key driving force. If you believe in yourself, then you have faith. I have faith in a lot of things, but at that moment I lost admiration and belief in everything I once believed to be true.
I know your all expecting me to come out with a wise turn from this , or even a piece of advice, or how I learned a valuable lesson from this situation. But to be honest, this time I have nothing. I can't see a way around my own problem and this scares me. I have tried over the past week to distract my self, rebuild my faith , but maybe its going to need a lot more work that.
So now I am coming to you. A lot of you have so many wise and important things to say: What would you to say or do if you where me?
I know exactly how you feel. Grades, marks, reports, anything that classifies us based on our abilities are sensitive topics - because if what they say isn't good enough then by society's standards that's what you are. I guess that if I were in your position I would persuade myself I'm better. It would be all about motivational quotes on how if you fail you need to get back up again, or about how society doesn't know anything about you because they're so standardised. I guess you need to do whatever you can to get back on your feet, because faith in yourself is the most important ingredient for any kind of success.
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The Life of Little Me
You are amazing! I always read your comments and I keep reading this one in particular. Your comments have really helped me , thank you.
DeleteHi sweetie! First of all, congratulations for that you passed all the subjects! That`s amazing! But I understand what you mean by feeling like failing... I have felt that way too. But darling, no matter what happens, never give up on your faith because, as you said: "Key is a driving force". ♥ Besides, as Marilyn Monroe said: " Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together". And don`t forget that you are successful,talented and freaking smart, even though you would`t feel that way in the midst of disappointments. I wish you all the best ♥ ♥
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snowprincessbella.blogspot.com
Thank you sooo much, you are one of my favourite bloggers and your comments are always so thoughtful! Thanks so much for using your words to get me back on my feet again xx
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